pouring my woes to you.

somehow after each gathering w this group of frens, i feel myself drifted further away from them, even the one who's the closest to me.

the cause of it is actually ME. when i joined canoeing, i couldn't join them most of the time when they meet up because of the trainings. soon after, they dun bother to inform me of the meetings cos anw i will be busy.

after As, i din go work with them cos i din want to do admin job, even though the work is slack and pay is good. instead i took the long hour job at hmv and this further aggreviated the situation.

going to ID doesn't help either. the heavy workload keeps me away from the rest of the world. the ppl i see mainly are my classmates and my canoe polo team mates. all 8 of us went to different faculties, split into the 3 unis. somehow some of them meet up for lunch sometimes, or dinner even. but i'm seldom informed cos 'i'm always very busy'.

these four years, the times i go out with them are mainly to buy bdae present, celebrate bday, and go clubbing occasionally. i've been trying very hard. i take the initiative to ask them out when i noe it's time to get presents, or when there's a purpose. but i dun ask them out for coffee or movie or juz to catch up, simply bcos i'm not the type who do such things. the problem with me is, when i'm free i keep to myself. i dun even make phone calls. but there are also times when i'm in the mood, i do icq ppl when i see them online to ask them how things are.

back to the problem, it's getting more and more evident what kind of lifestyles we are pursuing. mine is obviously different. my interests are rather different from theirs also. during gatherings we come together to gossip. but when the topic is over you see us breaking into our smaller cliques where we are more comfortable in. maybe i'm the only one who feels this way. i feel more and more alienated during the gatherings. ironically i feel hurt when i hear bout their own outings and the things they know about one another that i don't. why shld i when i don't even feel a sense of belonging in there anymore?

i think it's because a part of me doesn't want to go separate ways from them. i do treasure their friendship. friendship that came a long way from secondary school. friendship that means alot to me although it's on the brink of disappearing into nothingness.

that's why i'm still trying. trying to get back into their lives. we may be leading different lives but 20 years down the road, i do still want to be part of their lives, not juz one of the classmates that they may ask 'what happened to her huh?'

ok tt's an awful load of woes from the bottom of my heart. i guess i had the guts to write all these out here because i think none of the 7 of them read this. i juz had to tell somebody.

see, they don't even noe about this.